while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
