Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
