Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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