My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
