1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
