she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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