Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
