The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
