I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
40s are totally the cure
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
