That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
