Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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