I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Houston, we have a squirter
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
