I could make wine with my vomit
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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