The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
