im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
