I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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