Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
