The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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