I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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