Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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