Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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