You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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