How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
