Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
