I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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