My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
