A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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