I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
