I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
