I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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