the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
