She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
