so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
