even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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