Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
