The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
even my farts smell like vagina
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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