yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
