I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
