Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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