are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
