you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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