please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
