cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
