I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
