He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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