I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
