Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
