Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
