I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Randomize
