Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
