Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
