When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
