Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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